Hesitation

Time to be brutally honest.

Things are going slow.

I'm at the start of a new chapter and I'm having real trouble getting things going. I know what's supposed to happen and I have it all planned out - I even like the ideas so it's not a problem of inspiration...it's a problem of confidence and willpower. It's a strange issue I have because for some reason I have to write everything perfectly the first time through.

I've never written a second draft of anything.

Every story I've written; every paper I've ever turned in has been a first draft. I just can't bear to 'hurry' through something with the intent to go back later and fix it. I make sure I choose my words correctly the first time or I don't use them at all if I can help it.

I know logically that's ridiculous and making a novel-length story in such a manner is nearly impossible but it's the way I've written things my whole life and it's terribly difficult to break that.

-and I already know that's going to be broken because I know for certain there's parts near the beginning I want to re-do and touch-up and/or add-to, so my whole mental system has gotten screwy with this. All my little 'systems' and 'rituals' that I had for writing throughout highschool and college have had to been thrown out the window and burned.

On top of it all is the ever-present self-doubt; made extra powerful since this is a novel instead of a short story like everything else, and I'm getting into the middle parts of the story where (while things are still very interesting!) I'm having to trust the reader has been sufficiently hooked by the beginning to stay with me.

Doubts and Fears are piling up. The Writer is having to struggle to write down the lines. If there was a Deadline to meet there would be a ticking clock to push the madman forward like a foreman to make sure the job gets done; but without a Deadline the Writer simply sits and is overcome by hesitation.

I always say "I can't wait until people read my novel" or something to that effect. It's true!
I also can't wait until I will have finished my novel.

Please don't take this post the wrong way - this is still truly and absolutely what I want - To be the author of This Book. -but that doesn't mean it's an easy goal. Making sure this story will be as good as I can possibly make it - so that when it comes out I wont have any regrets at all - will be a challenge unlike any other. -but it's what I want to do.

I know when I do complete it, the reward - if nothing else just the self-worth I'll recieve - will have made the struggle worth it.

Love,
 Skinner